Kagato's Birthday
by Geoduck
Summary: What do you give the planet-destroying megalomaniac who has everything?


Bad Ideas Gone Wrong Productions presents

Kagato's Birthday

A _Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-ohki_ fanfiction by Geoduck

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><p><em><strong>Memo<strong>  
><strong>To:<strong> All staff and crew, _Soja_  
><strong>From:<strong> Kagato  
><strong>Date:<strong> 28373.4.23, 15:45  
><strong>Subject:<strong> Birthdays_

_I thought it would be instructive to remind everyone of the policy on celebration of birthdays about _Soja_. The policy is: don't do it. Ever. Punishment will be swift, brutal and hilarious. Anyone in possession of birthday cake will suffer amputation of whatever extremity is most amusing to me. Anyone caught with a wrapped birthday present will be ejected into vacuum while tied up in colorful paper and ribbons. Anyone singing "Happy Birthday to You" will be left to the tender mercies of copyright lawyers._

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><p><em><strong>Memo<strong>  
><strong>To:<strong> All staff and crew, _Soja_  
><strong>From:<strong> Kagato  
><strong>Date:<strong> 28373.4.23, 15:47  
><strong>Subject:<strong> My birthday_

_My birthday occurs three days from now. My waist size is 34 with a 36 inseam. Shoe size is 12. I already have an espresso machine, an orbital laser and a cordless drill. I prefer yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Unfunny cards will be folded into spiky origami shapes and inserted into the anatomy of the card-giver._

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><p>Ryoko sneered at the two messages. "Tch. Boss is such a pain in the ass. He just <strong>has<strong> to do it this way **every** year."

"Er… ahem." Ryoko groaned at the pudgy young man in the Science Academy uniform trying to attract her attention. "Um… pardon me? Miss Ryoko, ma'am?"

"Yeah, what the hell is it?" She looked at his name badge. "…Carbon-based life form 43F?"

"I just read the messages that Lord Kagato just sent, and I'm trying to reconcile them, and I have no idea what to do."

"So what are you coming to **me** for?" She stood well away from him. She didn't want to get nerd all over herself.

"Well, uh, you seem to know him pretty well, so maybe you could tell me…"

"Stop right there, 43F. I'm not going to help you. That last thing I want is for you to piss Kagato off, and then when you are begging for mercy from him, for you to say it was my idea. No, when Kagato kills you, it's going to be because of your own dweeby failure. I'm not going to be part of it."

"B-but, Miss Ryoko!"

"Use your own brain, poindexter. Geez, the morons that get hired here…" Ryoko teleported away to a distant corner of the ship.

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><p>It was an irritating couple of days for Ryoko. Minions as far as the eye can see, all of them desperately wanting her to help them avoid a nasty and humiliating demise. "So selfish of them," she muttered.<p>

"Something on your mind, Ryoko?" rumbled a familiar voice.

"Oh, Kagato. Yeah, frankly, I've got a bone to pick with you. I've spent the last two days avoiding the sweaty, socially-maladjusted losers you always seem to hire, and I'm getting sick of it."

"Ah, so there has been some to-do about my…" he chuckled "…_directives_ of a few days ago?"

"Of course there has. They've been pissing themselves trying to figure out the best way of avoiding death. And they all think I can help them."

"You haven't _told _them the reason for my actions, I trust."

"No, I haven't. Not that it would make much of a difference either way, right?"

"Correct. Well, in any case, it will all be over tomorrow."

"When you kill them all?"

"…"

"I mean, I get that you wanted to be vaguely menacing for suspenseful effect, but that's the plan, right? Kill everybody?"

"…"

"I'll take that as a yes."

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><p>It was a bloodbath, but only in a metaphorical sense. Most of the many, many deaths were by strangulation, disintegration or electrocution. Every time skin was broken, the wound was instantly cauterized before blood could flow. Kagato may have been a psychopathic genocidal maniac, but he was a psychopathic genocidal maniac with a strong sense of hygiene. There would be no hazardous medical waste polluting his wonderful <em>Soja<em>.

"So, 43F, what is that in your hands?"

"It's a birthday cake, Lord Kagato. Moist yellow cake with chocolate frosting."

"I see. And did you ever consider the possibility that I might be allergic to wheat gluten?"

43F's face grew ashen. He clearly hadn't.

He also didn't notice the tube positioned above his head. Almost imperceptibly, Kagato nodded, and 43F rocketed off the floor into the tube.

"Oh, I just love this new instant execution tube. Who was it who gave it to me?"

"Carbon-based life form 27L," a monotone computer voice sounded.

"Ah. And what did I do with him?"

"Cyanide enema."

"Oh, good. I'd hate to think I did anything particularly evil to someone who gave me such a great present. So who's left?"

"Ryoko. She is the final one remaining."

"All right. Send her in."

Moments later, Ryoko teleported into the chamber. "So, everyone's dead?"

"Yes. As usual."

"I don't see why you get interns for the ship if you are just going to murder them before their contracts expire."

"Put yourself in my position, Ryoko. After they're done here, they'd expect me to write letters of recommendation for them. I just can't bear to tell them 'no.' It would just embarrass us both." He waved his finger at Ryoko, in full lecture mode. "No, it's better to come up with an excuse to slaughter them wholesale."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Besides, look at the terrible gifts they gave me! Scrapbooking materials? A gift card from Hammacher Schlemmer? A self-recorded CD of trumpet music? A cordless drill? Come to think of that, I'd better save that one. You can never have too many cordless drills."

"Yeah, so speaking of gifts." Ryoko lobbed over a small package. "Happy birthday, boss."

Kagato raised an eyebrow in curiosity, then opened the package. "A t-shirt?"

"Yeah." Ryoko looked away apathetically.

"'Evil Geniuses do it with a giant organ.'"

"That's what the shirt says."

"Once again, you've flabbergasted me with a truly hideous gift. You've managed to outdo yourself with the absolute dregs of the gift-giving art."

"You're welcome. Seeya." Ryoko teleported away.

Kagato continued looking at the shirt after Ryoko left. Finally spoke. "Turn off all monitoring cameras in this room."

"Monitoring cameras off."

Quickly, he doffed his cape and upper clothing and pulled the t-shirt on. Moments later, he had his normal clothes in place on top of the now-invisible t-shirt.

He twitched in discomfort. "Dammit, Ryoko, can't you at least snip the tag off first?"

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><p><strong>Author's note:<strong> This story is a gift fic for the wonderful author known as **Evil Asian Genius**. Happy birthday, EAG!


End file.
